


Floating in a Soft and Lonely Melody

by kingdomfaraway



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Angst, Fighting, Gen, Hurt Peter Parker, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, Mutants, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker Whump, Peter Parker is not a Mutant, Protective Bucky Barnes, Violence, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:20:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27149320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingdomfaraway/pseuds/kingdomfaraway
Summary: They had grabbed him while he was on his way to change into his suit. Tony kept trying to drill it in his head that he should find somewhere safe to change, but Peter was an idiot sometimes and still ran into alleyways behind dumpsters.He didn’t fight back at first, didn’t want to show off his upper hand. It became apparent, maybe a little too late for Peter, that they knew who he was and had come prepared. They had him in vibranium cuffs and the back of a van in the blink of an eye.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 8
Kudos: 109





	Floating in a Soft and Lonely Melody

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: This story contains references to children fighting other children. It is not graphic or particularly violent. It also contains references to the death of a child, it was not described in detail, but it is talked about.
> 
> Title is from the Smoking Popes song, "Paul".

Peter heard his rescue party arriving before he saw them. He heard the familiar sound of the quinjet as it hovered, maybe miles away. It was faint at first and Peter almost wrote it off, but then he heard the sound of boots on the ground. When he closed his eyes and concentrated enough, he thought he could even hear their voices. 

He stayed sitting cross-legged on the floor of his cell, head resting against the wall. His hand instinctively went to the metal collar, fingers curling over the edge. 

A symphony of sound invaded Peter’s senses. A staccato of gunfire. The pulse of heartbeats. A dissonance of voices, out of sync with each other. He closed his eyes and reminded himself to keep breathing. 

_In and out, in and out._

His fingers squeezed at the collar in time with his breathing. 

_Squeeze, in, let go, out. Squeeze in, let go, out._

Suddenly like a crescendo, the sound of Iron Man’s repulsors cascaded down the hallway. He knew he should be up now, waiting at the bars, waving so Tony could find him. 

He opened his eyes just as Iron Man stood in front of his cell. The mask cleared from his face, so Peter could now see Tony Stark.

“Hey kid,” Tony said and Peter could hear the worry and stress in his voice. He was clearly trying to keep things light. Like he was just walking into Peter’s room to see if he wanted to watch a movie, not looking at Peter sitting in a dingy cell. 

Peter’s fingers gripped the collar. “Electric shocks,” he started, “in the collar. You have to turn it off before they…” he trailed, not able to finish the sentence. 

“We know,” Tony gripped the bars and pulled them off the hinges, “we’ve got it covered. It’s off.”

Peter’s fingers didn’t leave the edge of his collar. “Get the others, please. Get them all out.”

“We’ve got that covered too kid, this isn’t our first rescue party. We also need our favorite spider back too.” 

Something loud went off behind them and Tony’s mask went back on. He walked quickly into Peter’s cell and reached out his hand. “Let’s go, are you okay to walk?”

“Everyone else out first,” Peter said, putting as much conviction in his voice as possible, “please, Tony. Everyone else first.”

Iron Man hesitated for a second, hand hovering in front of him. Peter could hear him talking to someone else via the comms, but there was too much background sound to stay concentrated on Tony’s voice. 

“They’ve almost got all of them out, kid. All the guards are taken care of too. If you come now, you can walk down the hallway and check. Okay?”

Peter was relieved that Tony seemed to get it. That he wasn’t taking a single step out of the building unless he knew everyone else was out first. There weren’t many of them there, maybe 20 at the most. Peter had tried keeping count, he had to make sure he knew how many of them were here and alive. He dug lines into the wall, one for each day and one for each of them he saw. 

Peter took the hand offered to him and let Iron Man pull him to his feet. They walked together, Iron Man’s grip on Peter’s arm guiding him down the hallway. Peter’s eyes darted back and forth to each cell, checking and making sure they were all empty. 

He made Iron Man wait with him until he saw everyone safely get onto one of the two quinjets, counting heads as best he could. Tony didn’t say anything to him about it but kept his grip firmly on Peter’s arm. 

=====

They had grabbed him while he was on his way to change into his suit. Tony kept trying to drill it in his head that he should find somewhere safe to change, but Peter was an idiot sometimes and still ran into alleyways behind dumpsters. 

He didn’t fight back at first, didn’t want to show off his upper hand. It became apparent, maybe a little too late for Peter, that they knew who he was and had come prepared. They had him in vibranium cuffs and the back of a van in the blink of an eye. 

He remembered what Tony had taught him about getting kidnapped, if you can’t escape right away, wait for us. Don’t put yourself in danger, we’ll come for you. Peter let himself be dragged from the van and into a large nondescript building. He was eventually brought into a large room and chained to a table by his ankle and wrists and then an ugly gold collar snapped onto his neck.

When the guy first came into the room, Peter knew he was a doctor. He didn’t give Peter a name, which was odd. Usually, villains like to introduce themselves. Peter was just going to call him the Doctor, but then he’d have a negative connotation to Doctor Who and he refused to let someone ruin that for him. So instead, Peter went with the lame Doctor Evil in his head. Ned was a lot better with giving villains catchy names. He was far more creative, Peter always went with the obvious. 

“Well,” Doctor Evil remarked, looking over at Peter, “I’m so glad we finally get to meet. We’ve been watching you for a while.”

“That’s creepy,” Peter replied, trying to keep his voice as light as possible. 

Doctor Evil smiled. “We wanted to get you much earlier, but after seeing your strength we had to make an effort. Those vibranium cuffs made especially for you.”

“Awe,” Peter said, putting a big smile on his face, “you didn’t have to go out of your way just for me.”

Doctor Evil started monologuing, something, something, evil plan, evil plan. Peter stopped paying attention and instead tried to pay attention to where he might be. Even if he wasn’t going to escape on his own, it was at least good for him to have a sense of where he was and how many bad guys were around. 

A word caught Peter’s attention.

“Mutant?” Peter echoed. He wasn’t a mutant. He almost said this back, but something told him he shouldn’t point that out.

“Did you not know?” Doctor Evil questioned. “I was sure your Avengers would have mentioned your abilities are from a mutation? What did you think you were just lucky?”

Peter had to stifle a laugh, he was not lucky. “Well, I mean, I didn’t think my father was a spider.”

Doctor Evil ignored the remark. “This brings me to your collar. You’ll see it has two functions. The first is to repress your abilities. You’ll notice when the collar is on, your X gene becomes repressed.”

Peter made a face. He could tell they had turned the collar on, but his senses were still dialed up to eleven. He made the decision not to tell them this. If they thought he was harmless, he just might be able to escape on his own before the rescue party arrived. “Is the second a fashion statement? Because I have to tell you, the ’90s called -”

Peter felt shocked, literally. The collar sent a mild electric shock that stopped his sentence mid-word. It wasn’t too painful but it left him with a stinging sensation down to his toes.

Doctor Evil grinned. “I think you’ll be getting very familiar with the second function.”

====

“Peter.”

Peter flinched at the unexpected sound. It took him a second to realize it was FRIDAY. He was in his room, May had just left after having a reunion and dinner.

He had been sitting on his bed, trying to read a book MJ had given him a while ago but he must have zoned out at some point.

“Yeah, Fri?”

“Mr. Stark is on his way to you. He wanted to make sure you were available for visitors.”

“Yeah, go ahead and let him in.”

A minute later Peter’s door opened and Tony walked in. “I would assume you did a jailbreak from medical, had I not been there when Dr. Black let you out.”

He sat down on the end of Peter’s bed. “Told you I was fine.” It was a weak response but Peter was tired.

“Hill just let me know they finished putting all the kids through medical. They’ll be fine, some are a little malnourished, a few broken bones but nothing they couldn’t fix. They’re working on finding them their families.”

Peter nodded. He was upset when the kids were sent to a SHIELD facility instead of the Avengers Compound but Tony reminded him that they just didn’t have enough resources for 20 or so children. 

When Peter didn’t respond, Tony reached over and squeezed his ankle. “You did good, kid. They all made it out. You got them all out.” Peter flinched but Tony went on. “Don’t get too in your head about this. You did great Pete.”

Peter avoided looking in Tony’s eyes and instead looked down at his hands. He drummed his fingers against the top of his knee. His other hand went to his neck, groping for the collar that wasn’t there anymore. He quickly put his hand back down.

Tony must have caught the gesture because he started talking again. “I’ve taken a look at those collars. It’s quite impressive, to be honest. They managed to create a way for electronic waves to prevent mutants from consciously using their abilities.”

“Didn’t work on me,” Peter said softly “not a mutant.”

“Yeah, kid. I’m just glad it didn’t do any unsuspecting damage to your big genius brain.”

Peter finally looked up and caught Tony’s eyes. “Didn’t tell them that, was going to use it to help escape…”

“Pete, it’s alright. You weren’t going to leave those kids behind. You did nothing wrong.”

Peter shrugged and then looked back down. He was grateful Tony understood him and didn’t push him. He’d already given his debriefing, Tony knew what had happened to him. 

Tony took an abrupt subject change. “I talked to May before she left. She’s alright with you staying here for the rest of the summer. I know that was our original plan but I didn’t know if you were feeling up to stay here.”

They had managed to kidnap Peter the Thursday before the summer break. It was nice of them, he had thought, at least he wouldn’t be missing classes. Originally he was planning on spending the summer at the Avengers Compound. Bonding with his kind of team, learning new things, working on his suit. That was the plan at least.

“Yeah, sure,” Peter said, giving Tony a smile he hoped looked good enough. “I figured I'd have to see Dr. Sanders at some point. Might as well stick around for that.”

He’d been seeing Dr. Sanders for a while now. They talked about PTSD and nightmares and now they’ll have something new to add to it. 

“Alright,” Tony said standing up, “you look tired. Get some sleep, we’ll talk about things tomorrow.” 

Tony walked over and ruffled Peter’s hair affectionately. “Have I told you it’s so very good to have you back, kid?”

Peter leaned into the touch. “Missed you too.”

=====

They had stripped off his jeans and shirt, Peter had mourned the loss. They were his favorite jeans and now he’d never see them again. They dressed him in a pair of red pants and a matching red shirt. It was an odd color choice for jail and when Peter told them that he got zapped again. There was a number on it, 1177, and Doctor Evil informed him that, it’s what he was now. Just a number, 1177, not a human. A mutant with a number. He got a speel about not disobeying orders and listening, but he didn't pay attention. They were moving him again, down a different hallway and he was trying to memorize the place, so he could get out easy.

They turned him down a hallway and his heart dropped. 

He could hear them, breathing, heartbeats, crying… tiny sounds coming from most of the cells. He couldn’t tell how many, his senses were a bit out of sorts. He tried to look into the cells as he passed them, but they were too dark inside to see anything.

They undid his cuffs before tossing him into a cell and for a second, Peter thought of trying to make a break for it but decided against it. If there were others kidnapped, he wasn’t about to leave them. 

Peter took a look around the cell. There was a small cot on the ground with a small blanket and an uncomfortable-looking pillow. The cot made an unhappy groaning sound when he went to lay down on it.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Tony would save him, Tony always saved him. Peter just had to chill out until he did. 

====

“I’m glad to see you back, Peter.”

“Hm,” Peter responded, sitting on a couch in Dr. Sanders’ office. It was his first time seeing the psychologist since he’d been back. “Oh, thanks.”

“How are you feeling? I see you were cleared from medical pretty quickly,” Dr. Sanders asked, a folder was on his lap and he was looking over papers.

He liked Dr. Sanders, he had helped Peter feel better about a lot of things. He didn’t mind talking to him about the experiences he had, but this was different for him. Things were still so new, he barely felt like he’d processed it. He wasn’t far enough away to be able to look at the whole picture.

“Alright,” he said, his hands betrayed him and went for the collar that wasn't there anymore. His fingers tips grazed against his skin.

“How’s your neck?” Dr. Sanders asked, his eyes looking at the red marks on his neck. His healing abilities had helped take care of the worst of the burns, but the constant use of the shock collar for three weeks wasn’t able to just go away in a few days. 

“Okay, doesn’t hurt. Just used to being there,” Peter answered, pulling his hands away. He had to stop going for it, he had to remember it wasn’t there anymore. “I was shocked a lot, unsurprisingly.”

Dr. Sanders smiled. “Why?”

“You know,” Peter answered, “They didn’t want me to talk but I couldn’t help myself sometimes. It was fine, didn’t bother me. Got used to it after a while.”

He also didn’t want anyone else to get hurt, he could take it, so he did everything he could to be the only one. Dr. Sanders seemed to know this already, he knew Peter anyway. Knew he would do anything to keep people from getting hurt. 

“But it still hurt you, didn’t it?” Dr. Sanders continued and Peter shrugged his shoulders. 

“I’d still rather get shocked then… then do what they wanted me to,” Peter answered, looking down at his hands. “It was a better option.”

====

They brought him to his first fight on the third day. They took him to a new area of the compound he didn’t recognize and threw him in a smaller holding room.

“When you see the green light,” one of the guards started, “the door will open. You will go into the arena and fight. Once you’ve entered the arena, the collar will turn off. If we even think you’re trying to get away, we hit the button and you and all the little freaks in this building die.”

Peter’s stomach clenched, his heartbeat increased.

“You understand 1177?” The guard barked at him. 

“Peter,” he corrected automatically.

The guard laughed. “You are a pain in the ass 1177. I can’t wait to see you suffer.”

He walked away before Peter could respond. He rolled his shoulders a few times and stared at the light above the door. It didn’t take long for the light to turn green and the door to swing open.

He felt the collar vibrate once and the humming sound stopped. While the collar wasn’t controlling his abilities, the constant humming sound was driving his senses up a wall. When he didn’t move right away he felt the tiny shock from the collar zap him and he knew this was their way of getting him to keep moving.

As soon as he entered the other room the door slammed shut. The room wasn't too large. The walls were lined with metal, they were dented in some areas, while some had what looked like burns. The floor was concrete and cold against his bare feet. There was no audience, Peter was thankful for that, but there were cameras mounted in several locations. There were also no weapons that Peter could see.

When he caught sight of the other person in the room with him, his heart stopped. 

It was just a kid. A girl that looked maybe a little younger than Peter. She was smaller, top of her head looked like it was level with Peter’s shoulders. She had on a green suit and collar that matched his. 

Peter knew that this is what was going to happen, he wasn’t stupid, he figured they would be making him fight other kids but seeing it was too much. 

The kid looked scared, her long dark hair was covering half her face, but Peter could see it in her eyes. She kept staring straight at Peter, without making a sound or any movement. 

“Hey,” Peter said trying to steady his voice, “I’m Peter. What’s your name?”

The kid didn’t move, didn’t make a sound. She just looked at him with blank and tired eyes.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” Peter said, holding his hands up, “I promise. I won’t hurt you.”

He walked towards the kid, hands still up. “We don’t have to fight, we don’t have to do anything. I promise I won’t hurt you.”

Suddenly he could feel a weird buzzing in the air and the hum of electricity began. At first, he thought it was something with his collar, his hands grabbed at it. Were they going to kill him because he didn’t fight?

But then his spider-sense went off, a jolt down the back of his spine and he looked to see the girl in front of him. She looked like she was pure electricity, her entire body was covered in eerily blue light. He moved quickly, the girl lifted her hands and a surge of electricity burst out from them.

Peter rolled to the side and when he looked up the girl was surging towards him in a burst of lightning. She was fast but his spider-sense was faster and he dodged her attack. She zipped past him, hitting the hard metal wall behind her. It didn’t seem to phase her, she was turning around and sending lightning bolts shooting back to Peter in a matter of seconds. Peter dodged each attack, never attempting to go on the offensive. The girl was a little relentless, she just surged around the room, occasionally spending electricity bursts at Peter. 

They kept up their dance for a while longer, Peter was starting to get tired. They weren’t feeding him nearly enough to keep up with his metabolism. Finally, a loud buzzer sounded and a red light went on. The girl’s powers suddenly stopped, as if they’d doused her with a fire extinguisher. The blue glow had gone and in its place, the young girl had dropped to her knees.

Peter went towards her, hands out to touch, and make sure she was okay. Before he could even get there, he was shocked again. It was the highest setting they used so far and he felt himself crumple to the ground in response. 

====

“Peter?”

Peter blinked twice, waking himself from his thoughts. He turned his head to see Bucky standing at his door. 

“Hey Bucky,” Peter responded, swallowing down the anxiety that had crept up. “What’s up?”

“Come with me,” he said without preamble. He was wearing dirty jeans and a black shirt, he was holding a box with his metal arm. Peter didn’t move and neither did Bucky, so after a second, he said. “I mean it, Pete. Let’s go.”

“Alright,” Peter said as he stood. Bucky waited until Peter was close before turning back around and walking down the hall. Peter followed. “Gonna tell me where we are going?”

“You’ll see.”

Bucky led him down the hallway, down the stairs, and into the back of the compound. Peter’s heart leaped as they headed towards the common room. He didn’t want to go there, not yet. Too many people, too many questions. Before he could say anything, Bucky veered past the room and straight out towards the back patio. He went outside and kept going, only stopping when he must have noticed Peter’s hesitation at the door.

“It’s nice out,” Bucky said as if that was the reason Peter didn’t want to go outside. “Weather’s good. Come on.” 

Peter took a deep breath and walked outside, Bucky continued, and until he stopped in front of the small garden. Peter had seen it before, he didn’t know who planted it or why, but it was a nice looking garden. Bucky got down on his knees, putting the box he was holding to the side.

It didn’t take a genius to realize what he was doing. “You planted this?” Peter asked, sitting down next to Bucky. The smell of the Earth was strong and to Peter’s surprise a little comforting.

“Coping mechanism,” Bucky responded, “it helps to create something when you’ve spent a lot of time destroying things.”

It took Peter by surprise how much he ended up liking Bucky Barnes. It was a rough start in an airport in Germany but as time went on Peter started to get to know him better. Bucky was hard to read sometimes but he was also brutally honest when it came down to it. He always appreciated that Bucky didn’t bother trying to hide his intentions. 

“Dr. Sanders mentioned it a few times, coping mechanisms,” Peter said, watching as Bucky took out a small spade. 

“Sanders is the one who recommended this to me. I never had a green thumb, usually killed anything I tried to keep,” Bucky answered. “Steve had his art. It helped him a lot, he saw a lot of pain and bad things happening, he liked being able to draw good things.”

Peter nodded, he hadn’t thought of it that way before. “Does it help?”

Bucky shrugged a little. “Sometimes it helps to touch dirt and ground, makes you feel connected to something. Sometimes it helps to plant and water something, to watch it grow. Sometimes it’s just a nice distraction from what’s in your head.”

“Can I help you?” Peter asked. He hadn’t thought about his coping methods, usually, they involved pouring himself into his schoolwork or going out as Spider-man. Neither of those was available to him now, however. 

Bucky nodded and handed Peter one of the small watering cans he had in the box. “You can start by watering the plants over there. Not too much, just enough so the ground looks wet.”

Peter took the watering can and moved down from Bucky and started watering the plants. It wasn’t hard work but it was distracting enough. He looked over at Bucky, who seemed to be very content digging a small hole. 

“You don’t have to tell me anything,” Bucky said into the silence, “I’m not out here expecting you to empty your heart on me. If you want to, that’s cool, if not, that’s cool too.”

Peter hummed a little. “Okay, thanks.”

====

They had a schedule for things, it was pretty easy to learn. The lights came on in the morning, food was delivered, just enough to keep him alive and not starving. It wasn’t enough for Peter’s body to be happy, but it was enough to keep him alive.

If it was his day to fight, they’d grab him in the afternoon. He’d get a shock in the collar indicating someone was about to come to get him out. Sometimes he’d have several fights a day, depending on the outcomes. After fights, he was left to heal and given some food again before being thrown back into his cell.

If it wasn’t his day to fight, he’d sit alone in his cell. He could hear the other kids sometimes, hear them crying or calling out to loved ones. 

He honestly couldn’t figure out what days were worse. 

====

“Hey Pete,” Tony said as he walked into the kitchen. Peter was sitting at the table, hands wrapped around his favorite I heart Iron Man mug. It was early in the morning, Peter was woken by a nightmare and came down to get something to drink. He didn't know how long he’d been sitting there. He started to notice that if he stayed in one place for too long, he’d zone out.

“Hey,” he responded, he could tell his voice was rough. He felt tired, worn down a little. He cleared his throat quickly, trying to play it off as have just woken up.

“I was thinking,” Tony said, walking over and getting a cup of coffee. He was already holding a bag of dried cranberries. When he got to the table he offered Peter the bag, but he turned it down. “How about you get back into the suit today? I’ve got that obstacle course ready for you. I’m sure you’re itching to get back into it.”

Peter flinched at the word suit and tried to quickly play it off by adjusting in his seat. If Tony caught the movement, he didn't comment on it. 

The truth of the matter was Peter didn’t want to get back into it. He didn’t feel like he could put the suit on, not yet. It just didn’t feel right to him. He must have been silent for longer than he thought because Tony spoke up again. “Did you get any sleep last night?”

Peter nodded. “Yeah, sorry. Just got up early today for some reason. And uh, I mean, can we wait a few more days? About the suit?”

“Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” Tony asked, his eyes were full of concern, he leaned in on his elbows so he was a bit closer to Peter. “You know you can talk to me, kid. About anything that might have happened.”

“Yeah,” Peter said, feeling like a broken record player, “I know. I promise, next week, okay? I’m still feeling a bit off. I just want a little more time.”

====

Doctor Evil unexpectedly visited Peter one evening, after he’d gotten done not fighting another girl. This one had similar powers to his own, she was able to bounce off walls and her agility was off the charts. He couldn’t tell if she was sticky, he spent most of the time being too busy dodging her angry punches and kicks. He felt bad, her form was horrible. But then Peter realized, maybe a 12-year-old girl shouldn’t need to know how to attack people. 

“1177,” Doctor Evil said from behind the cell doors. A shock to Peter’s neck alerted him to this arrival. He was lying outstretched on his cot and made no effort to get up.

“Peter,” he said with a grin. Another shock, this one a little more powerful than usual. Maybe he was starting to piss them off. He could only hope.

“It is a shame that you are so… so childish. As I said before, I had been waiting to get you for a while now. Your power is… grand. It’s such a waste that it was given to a worthless mutant thing.”

Peter shrugged his shoulders and grinned. “You always say the nicest things to me.”

“It is disgusting how noble you feel the need to be. I know you are not fighting to your full potential. If you do not fight, we will be forced to hurt you.”

His collar zapped him again, it was a lot stronger than before. Peter had to bite down on the inside of his cheek not to make a sound. He knew his body shook with the voltage, but otherwise, he tried to remain impassive. Doctor Evil seemed a bit annoyed that he didn’t make a sound. 

“You will fight or you will suffer. And others will suffer too. You do not fight, I have no problem shocking the other things in this building as well. Each bit of your disobedience will be felt by everyone.”

Peter kept his face as impassive as possible, but his mind raced. He didn’t want to hurt anyone, he didn’t want anyone to get hurt. It was an unfair deal, two bad choices. He either fought and hurt someone, or the kids got hurt anyway. Peter couldn’t see a way out, there was nothing he could do. 

Doctor Evil didn’t wait for a reply, instead, he set off another shock through the collar, this one leaving Peter shaking long after it stopped.

====

“Ever been to a nursery before, Pete?” Bucky asked him as they pulled into the parking lot of the Alsip Nursery. Bucky had offered to take him there, so he could pick out some of his plants for the garden.

Peter had taken a liking to it pretty quickly. Bucky had been right, working with the ground seemed to help Peter a little. It felt good to move things with his hands, to make things grow. Dr. Sanders seemed to agree and encouraged him to find his plants to take care of telling him that it would help him feel better, to take care of something.

“I didn’t even know what these places were before this,” Peter answered as they got out of the car and headed towards the large building. 

When they walked in, Peter was a little overwhelmed with people. It was one of the first times he’d been out of the Compound and the first time he’d been in such a public place since he got back.

Bucky sensed his unease and reached his metal arm out and placed it on the small of Peter’s back. Not pushing him, but holding steady behind him. Peter took a second to breathe and then moved forward, reaching to grab a basket to shop with. 

“So, we don’t need to worry about the basic tools. We should just look into getting seeds,” Bucky said as they walked down the aisle. “I know we’ve been focusing on flowers, but we can try growing vegetables too.”

Despite the heat of summer, Bucky was wearing long sleeves and a hat, better to hide. He wasn’t a war criminal anymore, but he didn’t care for any kind of attention. A few people glanced in their direction, maybe one or two recognized Bucky, but none came over. Peter was never happier to have his identity hidden behind a mask. 

“Thanks again,” Peter answered. Bucky had brought him his planting kit a few days ago as a surprise. It was one of the first things to make Peter smile since he returned.

They arrived in front of the seeds, there were so many options in front of them. Peter’s eyes scanned over the different choices. “In season for summer are marigolds, lantana…” Bucky started pointing out different packets. 

“Do you have a favorite?” Peter asked him.

“Zinnia,” Bucky answered and reached over to grab a seed packet. The picture of the flower on the front was a very bright red flower with little gold tentacles in the center. Peter didn’t know anything about flowers, but it was pretty looking. “They attract butterflies.”

Peter took the seed packet from him and dropped it into his basket. They spent the next 20 minutes walking up and down the aisle, looking at all the options. Peter picked out two more seed packets, one for Blanket Flower and the other for Hibiscus. 

Bucky took him down a few other aisles, mostly getting other supplies that Bucky needed. As they walked, Bucky explained to him different things about gardening, some of it was interesting, other things a bit boring. Peter appreciated it all the same, it was a nice distraction from his head.

After they paid, as they were heading out of the building, a kid came whizzing past them, through the automatic doors. He moved quickly, running away from a man who was calling his name. As the kid came towards him, Peter wasn’t there anymore. He was miles away in a cell somewhere, getting ready to fight a kid. His whole body tensed instantly, he didn’t know if he was even breathing anymore. His hand flew to his neck, gripping for a collar that was no longer there. His instincts were screaming at him and suddenly he was gripped with the fear of hurting the small child that was running towards him. 

Bucky acted immediately, his hand back on the small of Peter’s back. “It’s okay. You’re okay. Let’s take a few steps and walk to the car. Can you do that for me, Peter?”

Bucky pushed gently and Peter stepped forward. His mind was racing still, he felt trapped. He tried to turn around to see where the kid went, to make sure he was okay. Bucky continued to guide him forward, however, back into the parking lot.

“No,” Peter said softly, somewhere from outside himself, “I have to… can I.. the …”

“Peter, it’s okay. The boy is fine, his Dad was right behind him. Nothing is going to happen to either of you.”

Peter was back at the car before he knew it, sitting down in the passenger's seat with Bucky kneeling at the open door beside him. Bucky’s cool metal hand was on the back of his neck, while the other one was on top of his hand. “Breathe, Pete. I just need you to breathe. There you go. You got this.”

Peter breathed, his hand still reflexively going for the collar on his neck. “I,” he started and then stopped. He closed his eyes and tried to find himself again. He was in the car. He was in the car at Alsip Nursery with Bucky Barnes. He was okay. Nothing was wrong.

“That’s it, Pete,” Bucky softly said. “You’re safe and you’re here.”

Peter tried to take another deep breath. The feeling of Bucky’s cool metal hand on the back of his neck was comforting and grounding. After a second Bucky spoke again. “Can I get into the driver’s seat now? Is it okay?”

Peter nodded but kept his eyes closed. The pressure on his neck and hand went away and he could feel Bucky leaving. After a minute the driver’s door opened and he could hear Bucky getting in. The A/C turned on a second later, the cool air blasting against Peter’s skin.

“Thanks,” Peter finally said, opening his eyes to see the road before them. “sorry.”

“Hey, you don’t need to apologize to anyone. Panic attacks happen.”

There was something about Bucky that Peter just inherently trusted, which was an odd feeling. He knew about Bucky’s past and what happened, but Bucky had a way about him. He could see why Steve Rogers went to the end of the Earth for him. 

“It was the kid,” Peter said, “I haven’t… seen a kid since I left. And, it was just weird.”

Bucky nodded. “Understandable.”

The only sound was the rush of air through the vents and suddenly Peter was talking without any provocation. 

“I didn’t fight them at first. I let the kids beat me up as much as they could. I knew I would be fine. None of them seemed to want to kill me or anything. I just think they were scared of what would happen to them… or maybe that I would hurt them.”

Peter tipped his head back against the seat, the feel of the cool air and the hum of the car were a lullaby to his senses. A constant that helped keep him from floating away.

“They said if I didn’t fight back, they’d just kill the kids anyway. Those guys, they knew I had powers, Buck. They knew how strong I was.”

He looked over at Bucky for a moment. Bucky was staring straight ahead while he drove. His face was neutral, he didn’t look angry or upset.

“They made me fight them. They made me fight those kids and Bucky, I did. I fought back. Not at full strength, but I… I know I hurt them. Seeing that kid back there, I was so scared I was going to hurt him.”

The tears escaped Peter’s eyes before he could stop them, just like the words coming from his mouth.

Bucky was silent and then he took a deep breath. “I know you might not believe this, Peter, but it’s not your fault. You were doing the best you could to help them. You were put in a situation that would break anyone down. You did everything you could to keep yourself and those kids safe.”

“Sorry,” Peter said, realizing just how much Bucky must understand the feeling of being forced to do something. What Peter had to go through was so much less than what Bucky had to deal with. He shouldn’t break down over it, especially in front of him.

“No reason for you to be saying sorry, Pete. Want to stop for lunch?” Bucky was giving him a subject change, an easy way out of the conversation if Peter wanted to take it. No pressure to keep talking and sharing. It was nice.

“Burgers?”

“Sure thing.”

====

Peter started fighting back during his next rounds of fighting. He was up against an older teen, most likely around his age, who was almost as strong as him. He fought back but he pulled his punches and didn't use his full force. He thought he won, because the teen ended up on his back on the hard floor, eyes closed for a minute. Peter tried everything not to run to his side and make sure he was okay.

The buzzer went off and Peter retreated into the room. He watched as the teen got up and walked back into his. That night Peter has to push down the panic attack that crawled up his spine. He knew they could watch him, and he didn't want them to see him like this. He’d built up a façade that he had to maintain at all times.

The next time he fought back, he accidentally hit too hard and the boy he was fighting cried out in pain so loudly Peter thought he’d go deaf from the sound. Peter fell to the ground, a panic attack washing over him. The kid got up quickly enough and Peter let him beat him down. Taking punch after punch until the fight was over.

====

“Alright, Pete, let’s see what you got,” Tony said as they stood in front of the elaborate obstacle course Tony created for him. It’s a giant jungle gym and for a second, Peter felt good about it. Tony tried to get him in his suit, but he refused and took only his web-shooters.

It was the first time he’d worn them since he'd gotten back and they felt so much like home, he almost let out a cry of happiness after he put them on.

He started slow, swinging from structure to structure until he was full of energy. It felt good to just let go. It wasn't the same as being outside but it was good enough. 

There were small places he needed to fit through, objects to dodge as he went around and even projectiles that could be thrown at him. 

Things were easy and good until they weren’t. 

Tony had spread bags of sand on the ground, in various weights. They were supposed to be people for Peter to grab and practice swinging with. 

“Try rescuing someone,” Tony called out from his spot on the floor.

As Peter flew by a set of bags, he went for one of them. As soon as the bag was in his arms, it was suddenly a kid. The weight of a child in his arms and he cried out. He let go of the bag without meaning to, it burst on impact, sending sand everywhere.

Peter lost concentration for just a second, he missed his next connection and sent himself crashing into the ground. 

Tony came over quickly. “You alright kid?”

“Yeah,” Peter breathed out, he felt stupid and embarrassed. “Yeah, sorry. I just, it felt like I was grabbing a… a… kid and I just couldn't.” He sat up, putting his knees up to his chest and hugging his arms around them. 

“It’s alright, Pete. Don't worry about it,” Tony said as he sat down next to him.

The problem, Peter thought, is that he has to worry about it. What happens if he goes back out there and does it when he’s rescuing a kid? Would he even be able to help someone again? He didn’t think, at that moment, he could ever be Spider-man again if he couldn’t look at a child without having a panic attack. 

Tony reached his arm over and put it around his shoulders, pulling his closer against Tony’s side. Peter went willingly, letting his head fall onto Tony’s shoulder.

“It’s okay, kid,” Tony said softly. “You’ll get through this soon enough.”

“No,” Peter says quietly, “it’s not. I freaked out a few days ago when I saw a kid at the store. I don’t know how I can ever be Spider-man if I’m terrified of what I’ll do.”

Tony squeezed his shoulder a little more. “I know you don’t mean that. You are Spider-man, you will be able to get back into the suit. What happened wasn’t your fault, you need to know it.”

Peter wished he could believe him, he did. “Yeah, okay.”

====

Peter lay on the table in what he always thought of as the Recovery Room. After fights, they would bring him there, turn the collar off so he could heal. Sometimes they’d take note, watch as his body would take care of any cuts, bruises, and burns. He’d stay there for a few hours before they’d turn the collar back on and throw him in the cell. He was always nervous they’d realize the collar wasn’t stopping him from healing, but they didn’t seem to catch on.

The fight he had just left was a particularly bad one. The kid he was fighting was a young boy who could blast a weird energy beam from his chest. Peter did everything he could to avoid hurting the kid while still using some offensive moves but he knew he didn’t do very well. He couldn’t do it anymore, it was getting too hard.

Usually, Peter was left alone in the room but he suddenly heard footsteps and then the door opening to find Doctor Evil standing there. Behind him were two guards who carried in the kid Peter had just fought. They deposited the kid on the ground without any care before hooking up his shackles to a spot on the wall. 

“So, 1177,” Doctor Evil began.

"Peter,” he replied to the autopilot. It was for him now, more than anything. He felt a slight shock in his collar for his remark. He didn’t even flinch, it didn’t even hurt him at this point.

“I’ve been thinking long and hard about you and how to handle your disobedience. We’ve hurt you, we’ve threatened the lives of your fellow things here,” he gestured to the boy who sat very still on the floor, “and yet you refuse to use your full powers.”

“I’m not as strong as you think I am,” Peter lied with as much conviction as he could.

“No, no. We know how strong you are. We’ve been watching you for a long time now. You just seem to lack the proper motivation.”

And with that, the kid on the floor let out a scream and Peter’s eyes snapped to him. The collar was shocking him as he sat on the floor. It didn’t seem to stop, the kid cried out from the pain.

“Stop!” Peter yelled, “He didn’t do anything wrong.” Peter pulled at his cuffs but he knew it was fruitless. “I deserve that, not him.”

“Ah, just as I thought,” Doctor Evil said and the kid stopped suddenly and completely slumped to the ground, “We have a new deal on the table now. If you don’t fight back with everything you’ve got, we’ll just go ahead and kill your opponent for you. Is that what you want 1177? Do you want this thing to die for your stubbornness?”

“Peter,” he mumbled, he couldn’t keep his eyes off the kid. He put all his concentration on listening for the kid’s heartbeat and breathing. He could hear them both, steady heartbeat and labored breathing.

The kid started shaking again and screamed once more. “STOP!” Peter shouted, trying so hard to get away. The kid stopped and slumped over again, his sobs continuing on and on. 

“Do we have a deal?” Doctor Evil asked, his eyes were still fixated on Peter’s.

“Yes,” Peter said softly, the kid was breathing so heavily now. “Yes.”

“Good,” Doctor Evil responded and then smirked. The kid began to shake again, stronger than before and now Peter could hear the electric shocks, he could hear the sound of the electricity in the air.

“I SAID YES!” Peter screamed as loud as he could, “STOP! I MADE THE DEAL!”

The kid jerked to a stop, he wasn’t even crying and Peter had to close his eyes to hear the heartbeat, it was so fast now. Faster than before, he tried to count the heartbeats.

“I don’t care,” Doctor Evil said walking towards the door, “you need to be punished somehow. We’ll leave it here with you tonight. It might live, it might die. Either way, it will be a good lesson for you to learn.”

They left without another word and Peter had to close his eyes to drown out the sound of his heartbeat. He tried to count the heartbeats again, he didn’t have a way to time it but he tried. It was fast, so much faster than Peter’s was going. What was the normal heart rate for a kid anyway? The kid let out a loud sob again, his breathing was getting more and more labored.

“Hey,” Peter said, softly, “My name is Peter. What’s yours?”

The kid didn’t respond and Peter wondered if he could even talk at this point. “It’s alright, you’re okay.” He wanted the kid to talk to him, it would help keep his mind off the pain and maybe he could get the kid’s heart to slow down just a little. He thought about Tony, how he would talk to him when Peter was scared and hurt. How calming his voice was, how comforting.

“Matthew,” the kid said softly after a minute, he sounded rough, “it hurts.”

“Hi Matthew, I’m sorry it hurts. If you just take some deep breaths, I promise it’ll all be over soon.”

“I want my mommy,” he kid mumbled, Peter couldn't see his face very well, he had his head down, Peter could hear the fear and pain in his voice.

“I promise you,” Peter said, “I’ll get you out of here and I’ll bring you to your mom okay?”

The kid didn’t stay anything, his breathing was getting even now and his heart was still beating fast, Peter thought it had to be over 100 beats per minute. 

“Matthew,” Peter said, trying so hard to hide the desperate worry in his voice. “Do you know who the Avengers are?”

Matthew made a whimpering sound. “Yes.”

“Well, that's good because I know them. They are my friends and they are going to come to rescue us. Do you have a favorite Avenger Matthew?”

The kid let out another cry, his entire body was unmoving except for his heart, the thud thud wasn’t slowing down but it was steady. Peter didn’t know if that was good or bad. The kid couldn’t seem to catch his breath still. 

He was silent and Peter tried to push down the rising panic. He didn’t want Matthew to know how terrified he was. After another minute the kid made a sound and if Peter’s hearing wasn’t zoned in on the kid, he’d have missed it. “Thor.”

“Oh,” Peter said with a real smile on his face, “Thor is so awesome, Matthew. Do you know how strong he is? Well, I think you’re actually a lot stronger than Thor.”

“Really?” He said in between short staccato breathing.

“Oh yeah, I bet you can even lift his hammer! Did you know he has two of them now? One of them is a really cool ax. They say only worthy people can lift his hammer and, Matthew, I think that’s you. You’re worthy.”

Matthew didn’t make a sound, his sobs were slowly fading away too. Peter knew he wasn’t going to stay conscious for long. “Hey Matthew, when we get out of here, next time Thor’s on Earth you can meet him. He’ll love to hang out with you, okay?”

Matthew’s breathing evened a little, it was still short bursts of breathing and his heart was still going so very fast. Peter got the feeling the kid passed out, his body slumped down even more. He wasn’t trying to hold himself up.

Peter closed his eyes and listened to the beat of the kid’s heart. It floated like a soft melody into the silence of the room.

_Thud, Thud, Thud._

====

“Peter is getting better. You just have to stop expecting too much from him.”

Peter froze in his spot halfway down the hallway. He’d been making his way to get a snack when he heard his name. Having super hearing was annoying sometimes, especially when he heard conversations he knew he wasn't supposed to.

“I don’t! I just don’t see how treating him with kid gloves is going to solve anything,” another voice, which Peter realized was Tony’s.

The other voice, Peter, knew belonged to Bucky. “You keep asking him to get into the suit and he is clearly uncomfortable about it, Stark.”

Peter thought to leave at first but he actually wanted to hear this conversation. Since his breakdown with Tony in the training room, Tony had been pushing him to get back into the suit. He knew Tony had meant well but it was really bothering him. 

“You keep taking him gardening! How is that helping? Have you seen him? He walks around like a zombie half the time, he’s always just staring off. He needs to get back into what’s good and familiar for him.”

“You of all people, Stark, should know what it’s like to come back after being kidnapped. You have to let him get all of this out of his system. He’s been working hard with Sanders, he’s making progress.”

He knew on some level that he wasn’t himself lately. He could feel himself zoning out, he talked about it with Dr. Sanders, but it was another thing to hear someone else talk about it. He suddenly felt embarrassed. 

“You know as well as I do, there’s something the kid’s not telling us,” Tony said, his voice was so full of emotion.

Peter’s breath hitched. Had he really been that obvious about it?

“I know,” Bucky’s voice was low, “but he’s never going to tell us if you push him. You have to wait until he’s ready to say something. Don’t you see it, Stark? He feels like he’s failed those kids.”

“I know that,” Tony spat, his voice sounded so harsh and angry. Peter took all that in, breathed the anger in Tony’s voice. He was angry at Peter, wasn’t he? Angry that Peter couldn’t get his act together. 

He moved without meaning, barreled into the hallway, and straight into the kitchen. Tony and Bucky were standing by the island and when Peter came they both turned to look at him. 

Before either of them could say a word, Peter was already talking. “I know! I know that I’m not doing good enough right now, okay? I know that I haven’t been able to be Spider-man but I need you to leave me alone, okay? I don’t want to be Spider-man. I don’t deserve to be Spider-man, not anymore. It doesn’t matter what you say or how you say it, I … I messed up and I can’t even trust myself anymore.”

He was hyperventilating, his head swimming, his eyes full of tears. He couldn’t even look at Tony or Bucky, he kept his gaze down and away from them. He heard Tony take a breath at this pause, but he kept going. “I failed those kids. All of them. I couldn’t get them out and they could have died because of me and it’s all my fault.”

“Peter,” Bucky managed to get in. Peter heaved a large amount of air and shot his head up. Bucky had nothing but concern in his eyes. He looked gentle, he looked worried. “Peter, it’s okay. No one is forcing you to get back into the suit.” 

“Yes, you are! Tony, you want me to be Spider-man so badly. Well, I can’t. I failed. I am a failure and I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve Spider-man. If you… if you knew… you’d agree. If you knew what I did, you’d never want me to be near another person for the rest of my life.”

“Oh kid,” Tony said, he moved forward and Peter flinched and jumped away, scattering like a wild animal. “That’s not true. You told us what happened, you were the hero.” 

“I WILL NEVER BE A HERO!” He shouted. 

The moment hit Peter like an electrical shock and his fingers instantly went to his neck. Reality came crashing down on him. He was standing in the kitchen yelling at Tony and Bucky, both of whom had worried expressions etched into their faces.

It was a split-second decision, Tony was moving closer to him like he was going to reach out and grab him.

As quickly as Peter came into the room, he left.

====

Peter heard him coming but didn’t turn around until Bucky was behind him. “I know that you were sent to talk to me.”

Bucky laughed loudly and plopped down next to Peter. “I can honestly say that I was relieved to find you out here doing this. I’d never heard you yell like that before. Not gonna lie, I was worried you’d be doing something much more destructive.”

Peter continued to water the plants in front of him but then he stopped and put down the watering can. He could hear what Bucky wasn’t saying to him, that he was glad Peter wasn’t a complete mess. He certainly didn’t feel that way, but it was nice that Bucky had some faith in him.

He could have lied to Bucky, could have brushed it off, and walked away. But Peter was tired of feeling so heavy with it, tired of letting this way down. It was keeping him from being Spider-man, from doing what he loved the most.

“I left something out of the final report,” Peter finally let out. Peter paused to breathe in for a second. His hands went for the collar around his neck automatically but nothing was there. Not even the red marks, his skin was completely bare and normal now. He closed his eyes tightly, he knew he would have to say these things eventually. It didn’t make it any easier. He picked up one of the small shovels and started to move dirt around without any purpose.

“They had me fight this young kid, Buck. He was like 8 at the most, he was terrified the entire time. I couldn’t… I couldn’t hurt him. I couldn’t do anything,” Peter moved more dirt aside with the tiny shovel. He wasn’t really doing anything, not really. But he needed to be busy to do this.

“I had been doing the minimum at that point and I just couldn’t do anything to the kid. So I didn’t. Afterward, they took me to the Recovery Room to heal. And.. they brought the kid in.”

He started crying, he couldn't stop any of it now, he was so close to just letting it all go. “They tortured the kid in front of me. I made a deal not to hold back so they wouldn’t kill him.”

Bucky leaned closer, just enough to touch his shoulder against Peter’s but still didn't say anything. “They left him there, hurt and on the ground. His name was Matthew and he was so scared. I was chained up, I couldn’t do anything to help him.”

He paused, the words getting caught in this throat before finally freeing themselves.

“He died, Bucky. They left him there for me to watch, to watch him die. I listened all night, listened to his heart until it stopped. And the next morning, they threw me back in that cell, and then I got rescued. It’s not fair. I did what they wanted me to do and he died anyway. He didn’t have to but I failed him. I couldn’t keep him alive for a few hours, that’s all I had left. I promised him and I broke it.”

Bucky grabbed him, quickly and efficiently, wrapped his arms around Peter’s shoulders, and pulled him closer. Peter’s head rested against his chest and he cried for what seemed like a million years. Bucky didn’t say anything for a while until Peter’s sobs were under control. 

“It’s not your fault. I know you don’t believe it, but it’s not your fault. You did nothing wrong. You did not fail that kid. You did everything you could. You are a hero, Pete.”

Peter breathed for the first time in what felt like years. Something in his chest was unraveling, making him feel just a little lighter. “I don’t think I can be Spider-man anymore. I don’t feel like Spider-man anymore.”

“You might not feel like it, but you are Spider-man. You’ll put your suit back on and you’ll save people. You’ll go out there and you’ll do so much more good in this world.”

“It’s not that simple, Bucky.”

“I know, Pete. I’m sorry that we couldn’t help you with this earlier. I understand why you keep this from us. But you didn’t need to, Pete. We’re here to help you, everyone, including Stark, is here to help you.”

“I killed him Bucky,” he whispered.

“They killed him. You did your very best and sometimes it just doesn’t work out the way we want it to. This is not your failure, Peter.”

Peter closed his eyes, his entire body felt like it was being shocked still. He was cold and tired, sad, and heartbroken. He clung to Bucky like he was a lifeline, the only thing left keeping Peter together.

Bucky kept talking, murmuring reassurances into Peter’s hair, softly like a mantra.

Peter closed his eyes and listened to Bucky’s heartbeat.

_Thud, thud, thud, thud._

**Author's Note:**

> This story as been in my finished folder since July but I've been back and forth on posting it. The ending doesn't feel right but eh, might as well put it out into the world anyway.
> 
> I also wanted to focus more on Irandad love, but halfway into the story Bucky Barnes showed up in my head wearing a gardening apron, kicked down the door, and went I WILL PROTEC THE SPIDERCHILD, so here we are. 
> 
> (Also I get oddly defensive on the Peter is a mutant thing because he's not and half this fic is a product of my discontent, lol).


End file.
